"No!" said my good side, who is off to bed at this moment.
"I am gonna say what I want to say, and there ain't no phucka to stop me!" replied the devil in me.
I am in a constant fight between my good and evil right now. It is that sweet taste of alcohol that is taking over and there ain't not a single halo that can stand on my head tonight.
There is this huge proclamation I am about to reveal: I will never be in a relationship ever again with the feeling of "LOVE".
I don't know. It's not fear anymore. It's not that feeling that I fear of falling in love again and knowing then chance of getting hurt. It's that egoistic side telling me that no one deserves somebody like me. Whether you take the term "somebody" positively or negatively, I fucking don't care. I dare someone to come up and tell me that I'm the one but certainly nobody can handle my "flaws" (if "flaws" here means having concerns with the environment, being extraordinary, or being in the "rational" and "logical" side of an argument).
No, I don't have any problem with people around me who are in love, I'm proud of them. But for me, I can feel that I want to make a decision---a hasty one--that I will never love again. That it should not be part of my life. It's that hole----that hole that eats my dignity (I guess). Stop it! These thoughts, I don't know, they keep on coming, they're life lightning hitting me----they say that lightning does not strike at the same place twice--but here it is. They hit me hard, NO PAIN---just a thought that I don't want to fall again.
It's crazy!! I wanna puke right now! I just don't know myself at this moment! But I know for sure, that when the time comes that I fall for someone, I'll make sure that we both have the same level of excellency... or maybe the other is even higher...
GRrrrrrr! I can't stop typing..qwerwjgrngeerjnigrjRIPHNR
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Coco Crunched
Being a good follower of my musings, you could easily trace the times when I shared that the spice in my head is drifting away or that it occurs occasionally. Probably, it is also one of the reasons why Everything E is not as active as before ('before' here translates as "the times I was doing blogs since "Anything But Ordinary" to "Pornography of My Inner Universe"). There is really something wrong with my head. Of course, there is. But the problem is, when I summon that inner power and that magnanimous spirit, it seems like it is in a deep slumber and rarely manages to bat my head.
A little conscious about it, I struggled months ago to know what is causing all this lack of omnipotence. The first thing I blamed, to be honest, is being in a relationship with someone not of my own mental level (the description given here means someone with a head gear of a 10-year-old). Those were the times that I tried to go down to that shmuck's level so that we can enjoy the same stuff (but it does not mean I lost myself completely--I love myself and will never utterly lose it). The second thing I blamed was the games I was playing. It was kind of irrational but I somehow pondered if games can really affect the way we think... in a negative way. Of course, games can help us develop our way of thinking, but, don't they also affect us negatively at some point? I still don't know. The third thing where I pointed my finger was Facebook. Don't ask.
I don't know if this is really normal, yet I am not in the first place. This is that point in time that I wish a manual came along when I was born. Now, all I know are human malfunctions (not disorders.. okay, disorders). But actually, the problem I guess is that I am too reactive rather than being proactive. I need to inquire about this strange phenomenon. When the Net is in front of me, there's one answer for asking questions: Yahoo Answer (Sorry, not Google... Goggle is not an answer, it is a search engine). My fingertips pounded on the keys and then they started hitting backspace...
Okay, so, how do you ask about losing your mind? Hmm... Now, that sounds crazy. Crazy indeed.
This is going nowhere. Somehow, I need to find a solution for this downfall of eminence. I have reserved my talents all these years in me and now, without even having the ability to touch the tips of success, my immortality is already... *gasp*... My immortality is slowly fading!
I'm becoming human.
I was never warned that this will happen to me. After all these years of doing favor for the Unknown by sinking me deep into the trenches of everything earthly and letting me store information necessary for their own understanding of humans and the Earth, I never thought that there is a possibility that I will become one of... them. No, I don't have a problem with humans, but the thing is, I can never survive here being one.
But let's go back to the main idea. Really, there is that big (I'm hesistant in saying "huge"; it might alarm me) loss inside my Inner Universe. Or is it that the portals are under damage control? Hmmm... The word 'damage' is alarming, too.
Now, I learned that I have a task for the next few days (or make it weeks and months): to find my old self back. That person who is better than the one strumming on these keys. That person whose head gear does not run out of explosives and fireworks. That person who can summon the tiny great words and teach them how to behave like gods---- Where art thou? This is when the search starts. I don't like pressuring myself, so, let me say, I shall give myself a week to end this hide and seek.
But of course, I am not going to leave you guys hanging; With or without "it", I shall struggle to muster all the energy left in my coconut shell.
Wait, did I say coconut shell? Oh no...
A little conscious about it, I struggled months ago to know what is causing all this lack of omnipotence. The first thing I blamed, to be honest, is being in a relationship with someone not of my own mental level (the description given here means someone with a head gear of a 10-year-old). Those were the times that I tried to go down to that shmuck's level so that we can enjoy the same stuff (but it does not mean I lost myself completely--I love myself and will never utterly lose it). The second thing I blamed was the games I was playing. It was kind of irrational but I somehow pondered if games can really affect the way we think... in a negative way. Of course, games can help us develop our way of thinking, but, don't they also affect us negatively at some point? I still don't know. The third thing where I pointed my finger was Facebook. Don't ask.
I don't know if this is really normal, yet I am not in the first place. This is that point in time that I wish a manual came along when I was born. Now, all I know are human malfunctions (not disorders.. okay, disorders). But actually, the problem I guess is that I am too reactive rather than being proactive. I need to inquire about this strange phenomenon. When the Net is in front of me, there's one answer for asking questions: Yahoo Answer (Sorry, not Google... Goggle is not an answer, it is a search engine). My fingertips pounded on the keys and then they started hitting backspace...
Okay, so, how do you ask about losing your mind? Hmm... Now, that sounds crazy. Crazy indeed.
This is going nowhere. Somehow, I need to find a solution for this downfall of eminence. I have reserved my talents all these years in me and now, without even having the ability to touch the tips of success, my immortality is already... *gasp*... My immortality is slowly fading!
I'm becoming human.
I was never warned that this will happen to me. After all these years of doing favor for the Unknown by sinking me deep into the trenches of everything earthly and letting me store information necessary for their own understanding of humans and the Earth, I never thought that there is a possibility that I will become one of... them. No, I don't have a problem with humans, but the thing is, I can never survive here being one.
But let's go back to the main idea. Really, there is that big (I'm hesistant in saying "huge"; it might alarm me) loss inside my Inner Universe. Or is it that the portals are under damage control? Hmmm... The word 'damage' is alarming, too.
Now, I learned that I have a task for the next few days (or make it weeks and months): to find my old self back. That person who is better than the one strumming on these keys. That person whose head gear does not run out of explosives and fireworks. That person who can summon the tiny great words and teach them how to behave like gods---- Where art thou? This is when the search starts. I don't like pressuring myself, so, let me say, I shall give myself a week to end this hide and seek.
But of course, I am not going to leave you guys hanging; With or without "it", I shall struggle to muster all the energy left in my coconut shell.
Wait, did I say coconut shell? Oh no...
Friday, August 20, 2010
Booked Face
We used to think that the Internet is that thing that people would think is everything. We were wrong. We had no idea that it will give birth to something so phenomenal that people will forget its mother: Facebook. Everyone's been checking out their friends' and crushes' statuses and the latest applications that everyone has been crazy about. Suddenly, even I had that time that I can't get enough of Facebook. I wanted to be updated 24/7 (I still do, now that I got mobile net and Facebook is for free).
Suddenly, everyone has stopped living in reality. Now, you don't see them outside. They spend their time chatting with their pals online, poking each other virtually. So, somehow, the interesting creatures involved in my people watching (the norms) can no longer be found harassing the streets of social climbing spots. They're there in the comfort of their own home (or shall I say, cafes). But suddenly, that flickering light bulb on my head came on in a jolt: Aha! Facebook made my job easier: I can people watch at Facebook.
Yeah, Facebook brought me a larger hodgepodge of people whether to love for or to spit at. They are all here! It is interesting to note that you don't see them move here but you see them do exhibitions in front of cameras (exhibition here means slanting your face and shooting yourself on bird's eye-view to get your from-atop-sideways-good-angle-even-if-it-isn't look---I do that sometimes, too, to annoy myself). There are really people really think they still got even a tiny fragment of beauty when they flash cameras on their faces. That's nice. Yeah, nice.
Also, there are people who keep on posting their feelings toward someone whether it would be anger, love, or, missing someone. It just makes me wonder why most of them are those people who cannot really speak in real life. Are they really just good at posting status on Facebook? Is that all they can do for themselves? Why do they sound cool in Facebook status and do not sound like anything at all in real life? Do they wish that they just live in Facebook and never go out of there?
And then there are those who keep you updates about them 24/7 (24/7 this time means twenty four posts in seven minutes). They are those people that tell you that they have just finished washing dishes, they have just closed the door from the bathroom, or they have just took a glance at the window to see nothing. Now, don't get me wrong, I myself do this but not, as in, TOO MUCH. I just say what I want to, and I bet this is what they are also going to say if they read this. But the thing is, do we really need to know everything?
Facebook may be everything for some people but everything is never Facebook. I have nothing against this site nor to all members of it. Hey, Facebook is cool. I didn't write this to diss anyone. I'm writing because I always write about my observations. And it's cool that I get to be connected with all of my friends and know things about them even if we don't meet anymore. I'm not writing to say that Facebook's members stupid or immature or anything... I just think that it is entertaining! The next time I want to talk about something, I just search my “favorite people”, know what' up with them, and I'm on it. You can't blame all these people; it's their escape from the cruel world. Now, let me look for the plug... hmmmmm.....
Suddenly, everyone has stopped living in reality. Now, you don't see them outside. They spend their time chatting with their pals online, poking each other virtually. So, somehow, the interesting creatures involved in my people watching (the norms) can no longer be found harassing the streets of social climbing spots. They're there in the comfort of their own home (or shall I say, cafes). But suddenly, that flickering light bulb on my head came on in a jolt: Aha! Facebook made my job easier: I can people watch at Facebook.
Yeah, Facebook brought me a larger hodgepodge of people whether to love for or to spit at. They are all here! It is interesting to note that you don't see them move here but you see them do exhibitions in front of cameras (exhibition here means slanting your face and shooting yourself on bird's eye-view to get your from-atop-sideways-good-angle-even-if-it-isn't look---I do that sometimes, too, to annoy myself). There are really people really think they still got even a tiny fragment of beauty when they flash cameras on their faces. That's nice. Yeah, nice.
Also, there are people who keep on posting their feelings toward someone whether it would be anger, love, or, missing someone. It just makes me wonder why most of them are those people who cannot really speak in real life. Are they really just good at posting status on Facebook? Is that all they can do for themselves? Why do they sound cool in Facebook status and do not sound like anything at all in real life? Do they wish that they just live in Facebook and never go out of there?
And then there are those who keep you updates about them 24/7 (24/7 this time means twenty four posts in seven minutes). They are those people that tell you that they have just finished washing dishes, they have just closed the door from the bathroom, or they have just took a glance at the window to see nothing. Now, don't get me wrong, I myself do this but not, as in, TOO MUCH. I just say what I want to, and I bet this is what they are also going to say if they read this. But the thing is, do we really need to know everything?
Facebook may be everything for some people but everything is never Facebook. I have nothing against this site nor to all members of it. Hey, Facebook is cool. I didn't write this to diss anyone. I'm writing because I always write about my observations. And it's cool that I get to be connected with all of my friends and know things about them even if we don't meet anymore. I'm not writing to say that Facebook's members stupid or immature or anything... I just think that it is entertaining! The next time I want to talk about something, I just search my “favorite people”, know what' up with them, and I'm on it. You can't blame all these people; it's their escape from the cruel world. Now, let me look for the plug... hmmmmm.....
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